Age Gap Pop Quiz
Low Swank | About | All Essays | Subscribe
Question 1
You and your husband hosted two 20-something houseguests for the weekend. Having them around was a joy (the kids are alright, etc, etc). It was also, inevitably, an anthropological study of the lifestyle differences contained within a 20-year age gap. How many times between Friday and Sunday did you offer to make them something to eat?
A. More than once, obviously—they were here for three days. Why are you asking this?
B. Okay fine, maybe a few times more than was called for, but you know, if I subscribed to the whole “Love Language” thing, mine would probably be cooking for people. That's technically filed under “Acts of Service,” which I really do not get down with, but I realize this is a conversation for another time.
C. The limit does not exist. Options A and B aside, I was also absolutely using it as a stop-gap with which to fill silence, because sometimes I stall out during conversations with The Youth. Wait, noooo—you deducted points each time I mentioned “there’s vegan yogurt in the fridge”? I don’t even know why I did that once, let alone twice. Did I think they’d think it was cool? Mortifying.
Question 2
Your guests graciously declined all offers of meals, ever-lovely and so polite about it. Instead they dived in, late night, to the lineup of snacks you’d assembled. If you, in your mid-40s, attempted to exist on potato chips, a few beers, and baby carrots for a period of 72 hours, what would the potential ramifications include?
A. Hospital
B. Court-appointed lawyer
C. Irreversible metabolic f*ckery
D. All of the above, and what happened here, on a blood sugar level, can truly never happen again.
Question 3
Let’s move on. Young and free and unencumbered, the 20-somethings arrived with one (1) backpack each. In contrast, here is an excerpt of a longer list of items you packed for a recent trip of comparable length and distance:
Vitamix Blender
Ultrasonic retainer cleaner and eight (8) cleaning tablets
Two (2) computers, an iPad, and a DSLR camera
566-page hardcover book
Red light mask and four (4) hydrating sheet masks
Your own pillows
Five (5) pairs of shoes
Based on this information, what is the opposite of young and free and unencumbered?
A. Unwilling to take chances on an unknown blender situation.
B. Simply trying to stay alive in the manner to which one has become accustomed.
C. “I just don’t think, at this age, that I’m meant to live an uncomfortable life.”
D. You know what, I’m not gonna answer this one.
Question 4
“Are you guys going out tonight?” they asked as they headed out to meet some friends. The question was so genuinely delivered, they really were curious! It was 8:45pm. Which of the below was the only appropriate answer?
A. “It's actually a miracle I'm not already in bed.”
B. “If I stay up even eleven minutes too late it could potentially take an entire week for my sleep schedule to sort itself out, which is sometimes worth it. And yet it is my greatest wish to never again see the flip-side of midnight without worth it being involved in each and every moment of the equation, and I’m thinking tonight does not qualify.”
C. “No, but if we were going out, I would have staggered my bedtimes for a few nights leading up to this, and also scheduled some pre-going-out naps over the course of the preceding 48 hours. I’ve just found that if I plan 80% of my time with the same rigorous precision with which Law Roach would coordinate a Zendaya press tour, it leaves the other 20% open for magic and kismet and wonder, but I am simply unable to receive those gifts if I cannot keep my eyes open.”
D. “We’re in for the night, but have fun!”
Question 5
You had to think about that one for a while. Are you ok?
A. No, I’m perimenopausal and tired.
B. Yes, but I’m perimenopausal and tired.
Question 6
Last one. In 100 words or less—what conclusions have you drawn from this experience?
I remember with such warmth and fondness the friends’ couches I crashed on in other cities, the too-many-people-in-one-hotel-room weddings, the halcyon days when I could still take the DC–NYC bus (because it is the nature of said bus to ultimately wrong you in such a way that it is unfathomable to consider it going forward. My personal breaking point involved a thunderstorm, a leaking roof, and an aspiring stand-up comedian named Toy).
When you’re younger, every moment offers opportunities both as wide as the world and as narrow as your resources and experience. Fast-forward and, admittedly, there's way more stuff involved (and whether that baggage is literal or figurative…who's to say, really), but once you realize you don't have to use the sad rental house pillows, after you've experienced more legroom just one time on a cross-country flight, when you've finally tasted what life is like with a somewhat normal sleep pattern—there is sadly no going back to how you once lived, however cute and fresh and “awwww, that used to be me!” the 20-somethings in your life are making it look.
Because while it's their time to be young and free and unencumbered, it is also your time to be the opposite, which is actually E. Still eager, curious, and hungry to see the world, but secure in the knowledge that your spine will fall out of your body should you attempt to do so without stretching first.
That’s more than 100 words.
No sh*t. Did you not see my pack list?
This post emailed out 6.6.2025 with newsletter-exclusive extras. Subscribe here.