Knowledge Base
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At this point it can be declared, officially, that I have in no way dedicated my life to knowledge. I’m not saying I lack intelligence or that my mind is not otherwise razor-sharp; I read everything in my path and sometimes even retain that information. I could probably be called an expert in an area or two, and whether those areas are Marxian economics or Friends episodes is not important. Post-apocalypse, we’ll need to piece Wikipedia back together one page at a time, and it’s going to take a little bit of help from everyone. As long as you’re willing to step up and contribute, you can really focus on whatever you want.
I justify my vast cultural and intellectual blind spots by subscribing to the theory that one person cannot possibly be expected to know everything. Sure, I missed the memo on the whole Didion/Babitz dynamic—but I’ve maintained a near-perfect recall of the Hilton/Richie fallout of 2005. Wait, that isn’t really a one-to-one, is it….ok ok ok, how about this: I'm fuzzy on the details of Malala’s famous UN speech, but if you need someone to dictate the lyrics to Smash Mouth's “All Star” in their entirety, you’ve come to the right place. No. Ugh. F-ck.
Telltale Signs You Are Dealing With Me (and not with an intellectual)
Knows objectively more about Hannah Montana than Hannah Arendt
Has made several good faith attempts, but still unable to get into Talking Heads
New Wave cinema?
Uses the qualifier “alleged” when discussing “the economy”
Prefers Can’t Buy a Thrill to Aja in Steely Dan's discography
Brings up Hatchet by Gary Paulsen more than is appropriate
Can call to mind, without hesitation, the name of Britney Spears’ assistant between 1998 and 2007—but stumbles over the dates of the first World War
My neural pathways may be sticky with popcorn and Pepsi-Cola, but it’s not for lack of trying to shove substantive information in there. I was raised in a household that worshiped at the twin altars of public radio and public television; I at least glance at multiple newspapers over the course of any given week. I even read books! But apparently this is not enough to overcome the damage done, $3.95 at a time, by a years-long series of Us Weekly purchases in my 20s (the other, more expensive option was grad school).
As long as the aforementioned apocalypse is less about having the wherewithal to set up new systems of government and more about survival (as in having an encyclopedic knowledge of the early seasons of Survivor) I’m going to be okay. Dostoevsky might be too heavy a lift, but the plot of Hatchet remains crystal clear.
“Knowledge Base” emailed out 11.05.2025 with newsletter-only exclusives. Subscribe here.