Pop Quiz: School’s Out
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Question 1
You know that dream where it’s the last day of high school and you can’t find your classroom because you never actually went? This is it, writ large. Your final exam starts now…Wait, why are you freaking out?
A. Because I’m concerned there’s going to be math involved, and I spent too much time crushing bootleg Tetris on my TI-83 to learn what a cosine was.
B. Because the only pieces of information I’ve retained from before my college years are random factoids from VH1’s Behind the Music series. Will there be a section on Shania Twain’s early life and upbringing?
C. Because the space in my head once occupied by textbook-style knowledge has since been replaced with the skills needed to stay alive and functioning as an adult with a job. Obviously.
Question 2
Okay…let’s keep it simple then. How about a word problem? You have two toasters. Each has two slots, and each slot can accommodate two waffles. The toast cycle is two minutes long on the first toaster, and three on the second. You have an eight-pack of frozen protein waffles. How much time will it take to toast them all?
A. I’m having trouble immersing myself in a hypothetical that includes my owning—let alone utilizing—two separate toasters. In this house we respect negative counterspace; the eye must rest.
B. Not sure if I even want to touch the “protein waffle” of it all, but that aside, why am I so invested in making eight of them at once? Do I have nutritionally deficient houseguests? Are we out of eggs? What's going on?
C. “I don’t think my father, inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.”
Question 3
Let’s try American History. What year did—
A. Sorry to cut you off, but unless this is about the succession of (and subsequent transitions of power between) Oh, Mary! administrations, we should probably just move on.
B. Actually, if we stay in the general realm of topics covered in National Treasure (2004) and National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007), I should do okay with this one. But maybe we start with some warm-up questions about Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson’s relationship timeline?
C. …What year did Stephen slap Irene after throwing her teddy bear into Puget Sound on The Real World: Seattle? 1998. Next question.
Question 4
Fine. Ethics, then. Anything you feel you need to get out of the way before we discuss the Trolley Problem?
A. Ethics? You mean Accounting? My life in 2026 is one long, hellish tax season of moral tradeoffs-slash-justifications and you want to talk about the Trolley Problem?
B. For example: If I’d sooner perish than order a book off Amazon but own four pairs of their Lululemon legging dupes, should I drive myself directly to jail or just wait to be arrested?
C. Besides—who, at this point, is even qualified to teach the class? Sally Rooney, Ta-Nehisi Coates, who else? Maybe Hannah Einbinder as the occasional ~fun~ substitute…I dunno, I don’t even think I’m qualified to take it.
Question 5
I can’t pass you without some sort of tangible proof of knowledge. You really don’t remember anything from high school? Wasn’t English class kind of your scene?
A. Hmmm, let me think for a second…I guess I can say with certainty that The Awakening did not end well.
B. Same goes for The Yellow Wallpaper, The Turn of the Screw, and The Scarlet Letter.
C. And while we’re on the topic of complex female characters, twice a month for the last 25 years the word sepulchral has come to mind, and Adrienne Rich’s poem “Living in Sin” along with it. That feels pretty tangible to me…
Question 6
Now we’re getting somewhere. Last question—in 100 words or less, sum up the ways in which your public high school education prepared you for the real world.
45 – 18 = 27
176 + 124 = 300
163 + 386 = 549
29 – 147 = -118
15 ÷ 60 = 0.25
Wait, what's this?
A small yet representative sample of my calculator app history. Tell me again how I was prepared for the real world?
This post emailed out 7.7.2026 with newsletter-exclusive extras. Subscribe for free here.,
PS: IYLTR (if you liked this, read): Internal Comms.
PPS: ILATL (I lied about the leggings): I actually own six pairs. See? Unethical.